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A girl named Rosalind.

Journal Entry: Mon Aug 12, 2013, 7:29 AM

He used to sigh like grief.
Dripping short and brief,
his breaths over the window's ledge,
hanging over the grass-made hedge.
He used to sing like the wind,
of a girl named Rosalind,
pale and white and with lips as blooms
– two big, glistening, cerise dooms.
He used to speak of ancient myths,
and rivers under mourning withes,
his fingers entwined with hers
as he whispered a forgotten verse.
He used to gather lots
of blue forget-me-nots,
and when his hands fumbled with the ferns
– they always sought and found hers.
Until she turned so cold and pale,
that, finally, no song or tale,
could make her eyes open again,
as he watched her life drain.
So he whispered in the wind,
of a girl named Rosalind,
whose fingers used to tightly shut the lids
– of jars with bougainvillea seeds.



CSS Journal Coded by FleX177

I really enjoyed writing this poem - it felt refrshing writing something aside from my book once again.
I hope you like it. If so, please fave, or leave a comment. I would really appreciate it!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmattvoscinar:
Hello Dora,

I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of #writingmadefun. Because it is one stanza, I will comment on the piece as a whole and then comment on each of the four pillars of Deviantart’s Critique Scale.

First, as a matter of structure, I would consider changing this poem to fall under traditional fixed forms. Although free verse poetry can rhyme you have a consistent pattern of rhyming couplets, as well as syllabic uniformity within the couplets, which I believe removes it from this category.

Secondly, I’m quite a fan of your word choice throughout the piece. The poem captures me with the first line and keeps a very steady pace throughout. Your use of imagery is extremely clear and concise, which is something I find people have quite a bit of trouble with. Not only do you name the objects, you do a wonderful job of describing them, which allows the reader to see the poem. Thematically speaking, the images of flowers with Rosalind does a nice job of describing fragility and beauty and the final bit with the seeds speaks well on starting anew.

Vision
This poem keeps a grip on the theme and works through it within the piece. I cannot find a single place in the poem where there isn’t a clear vision attached to the meaning or premise of the piece.

Originality
While love poems and the idea of using flowers as descriptors/tools to advance a poem is nothing new, you've done a wonderful job of keeping this poem fresh with the consistent use of wonderful imagery. It did remind me of something that could have been written by Shakespeare or Poe structurally and rhythmically, but the content was written well enough to be rather original.

Technique
Using couplets throughout a poem can make it read rather “sing-songy” and make it rather formulaic. However, because you've carefully chosen your words, this problem does not exist within this particular poem. There’s also something to be said about the fluidity of the syllable structure you've got here, which is a rather commendable feat.

Impact
There is definitely a strong sense of emotion here. Although my personal preference leans more towards free-verse, you've done a good job working without your structure to demand an emotional attachment.

Overall this is a very well written poem and I look forward to reading more from you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconarieskin:
Arieskin Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is so beautiful!
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I am glad you like it! ^^


Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Burying her secrets within him deep within
the air around him, the world around him, thin
like the leaves of autumn, aloft but alas
must return from where they had once passed

:clap: nice! thank you for inspiring me into writing something.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This critique is on behalf of %PoeticalCondition

Burying her secrets within him deep within
the air around him, the world around him, thin
like the leaves of autumn, aloft but alas
must return from where they had once passed

'Nuff said
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for sharing this! And I am glad I could be of help!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) Cheers.
Reply
:iconthepervertedprincess:
Beautifully Haunting, but still sweet.
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, thank you very much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconthepervertedprincess:
You're Most welcome!! I really enjoyed reading it! :heart:
Reply
:iconclaireluvs1d:
Claireluvs1D Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is so lovely! Great job! :clap:
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconclaireluvs1d:
Claireluvs1D Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No prob. :D
Reply
:iconnekonekogirl997:
NekoNekoGirl997 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I felt the ache you made him feel for her, you know. Well done. I won't say some long compliment or compare it to something though. This poem stands on it's own.
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for your kind words! Glad you enjoyed reading!
Reply
:iconnekonekogirl997:
NekoNekoGirl997 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome, and I really did.
Reply
:icondannymechanist:
DannyMechanist Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
love and loss conveyed simply and effectively. really good piece this one.
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for your encouraging words! I really appreciate it! :D
Reply
:icondannymechanist:
DannyMechanist Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconachille1996:
Achille1996 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013
This reminds me of Maurice Chevalier's Louise. "Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise." "He used to sing like the wind, of a girl named Rosalind." I like the similarity. Beautiful poem!
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're right, it does have similarities with "Louise" - never noticed that before!
Thank you for your comment; glad you enjoyed reading!
Reply
:iconachille1996:
Achille1996 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013
You're very welcome! The poem is lovely :D
Reply
:iconinknalcohol:
inknalcohol Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013   Writer
Absolutely wonderful.  :clap:
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I am glad you enjoyed reading!
Reply
:icondoublethefun:
doublethefun Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013
Reminds me a bit of Annabel Lee! I like it :)
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I have been reading lots of Poe lately, that's true! Thank you - glad you enjoyed reading!
Reply
:icondenvitanarren:
DenVitaNarren Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013
How can you not be a published author already?! :O Oh, well, I'm sure you will be, once you've finished your book - I cannot remember ever reading anything as unique and complete as this poem! You know, it doesn't feel like you struggled at all when writing this piece; but rather as if it effortlessly fell into your hands - and that is the mark of the true artist, I think; that your efforts don't show but the piece is perfect all the same ... Oh, I'm sorry, I'm rambling ... Well done, indeed, that's what I'm here to say :D
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, you warm my heart! Thank you so so so much for your encouraging words - it really means a lot to me that you took time to read and give me some feedback! I do hope of being published one day, but only time will tell! 

Thanks again!
Reply
:icondenvitanarren:
DenVitaNarren Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013
It's my pleasure, I assure you, and I only look forward to reading more. :)

PS. Thank you for the favourite on "Finding yoursel". :) I do hope you'll find something in my gallery that's to your liking. Please comment on anything you like or dislike, for constructive criticism is such a rare treasure nowadays. DS.
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