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August 12, 2013
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A girl named Rosalind.

Journal Entry: Mon Aug 12, 2013, 7:29 AM

He used to sigh like grief.
Dripping short and brief,
his breaths over the window's ledge,
hanging over the grass-made hedge.
He used to sing like the wind,
of a girl named Rosalind,
pale and white and with lips as blooms
– two big, glistening, cerise dooms.
He used to speak of ancient myths,
and rivers under mourning withes,
his fingers entwined with hers
as he whispered a forgotten verse.
He used to gather lots
of blue forget-me-nots,
and when his hands fumbled with the ferns
– they always sought and found hers.
Until she turned so cold and pale,
that, finally, no song or tale,
could make her eyes open again,
as he watched her life drain.
So he whispered in the wind,
of a girl named Rosalind,
whose fingers used to tightly shut the lids
– of jars with bougainvillea seeds.



CSS Journal Coded by FleX177

I really enjoyed writing this poem - it felt refrshing writing something aside from my book once again.
I hope you like it. If so, please fave, or leave a comment. I would really appreciate it!
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:iconmattvoscinar:
Hello Dora,

I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of #writingmadefun. Because it is one stanza, I will comment on the piece as a whole and then comment on each of the four pillars of Deviantart’s Critique Scale.

First, as a matter of structure, I would consider changing this poem to fall under traditional fixed forms. Although free verse poetry can rhyme you have a consistent pattern of rhyming couplets, as well as syllabic uniformity within the couplets, which I believe removes it from this category.

Secondly, I’m quite a fan of your word choice throughout the piece. The poem captures me with the first line and keeps a very steady pace throughout. Your use of imagery is extremely clear and concise, which is something I find people have quite a bit of trouble with. Not only do you name the objects, you do a wonderful job of describing them, which allows the reader to see the poem. Thematically speaking, the images of flowers with Rosalind does a nice job of describing fragility and beauty and the final bit with the seeds speaks well on starting anew.

Vision
This poem keeps a grip on the theme and works through it within the piece. I cannot find a single place in the poem where there isn’t a clear vision attached to the meaning or premise of the piece.

Originality
While love poems and the idea of using flowers as descriptors/tools to advance a poem is nothing new, you've done a wonderful job of keeping this poem fresh with the consistent use of wonderful imagery. It did remind me of something that could have been written by Shakespeare or Poe structurally and rhythmically, but the content was written well enough to be rather original.

Technique
Using couplets throughout a poem can make it read rather “sing-songy” and make it rather formulaic. However, because you've carefully chosen your words, this problem does not exist within this particular poem. There’s also something to be said about the fluidity of the syllable structure you've got here, which is a rather commendable feat.

Impact
There is definitely a strong sense of emotion here. Although my personal preference leans more towards free-verse, you've done a good job working without your structure to demand an emotional attachment.

Overall this is a very well written poem and I look forward to reading more from you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconarieskin:
Arieskin Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is so beautiful!
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I am glad you like it! ^^


Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Burying her secrets within him deep within
the air around him, the world around him, thin
like the leaves of autumn, aloft but alas
must return from where they had once passed

:clap: nice! thank you for inspiring me into writing something.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This critique is on behalf of %PoeticalCondition

Burying her secrets within him deep within
the air around him, the world around him, thin
like the leaves of autumn, aloft but alas
must return from where they had once passed

'Nuff said
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for sharing this! And I am glad I could be of help!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) Cheers.
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:iconthepervertedprincess:
Beautifully Haunting, but still sweet.
Reply
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, thank you very much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconthepervertedprincess:
You're Most welcome!! I really enjoyed reading it! :heart:
Reply
:iconclaireluvs1d:
Claireluvs1D Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is so lovely! Great job! :clap:
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